


You Are My Mission

by Eluvian



Series: Guardian Angel [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Adorable Connor, Adult Emma Phillips, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Connor Deserves Happiness, Deviant Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Divorce, Domestic Fluff, Emma Deserves Happiness, Emma Phillips has a son, Emma is very emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Sex, Emotions, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Family Feels, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Smut, Forehead Kisses, Hank Anderson & Connor Friendship, Hank Anderson & Connor Parent-Child Relationship, Hugs, Kissing, Later not only platonic, Neck Kissing, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Platonic Relationships, Platonic Romance, Platonic Soulmates, Post-Divorce, Post-Peaceful Android Revolution (Detroit: Become Human), Protective Connor, Protective Connor (Detroit: Become Human), Protectiveness, Romantic Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:47:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22703443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eluvian/pseuds/Eluvian
Summary: Connor has cared for Emma for years, helping her deal with her trauma and becoming her friend. Emma did not even know how much she loved him since then. She tried to live a "normal life", a life she thought she was supposed to, but it turned out differently than expected.She has to face her real feelings.
Relationships: Connor & Emma Phillips, Connor & Emma Phillips's Son, Connor/Emma Phillips, Daniel & Emma Phillips, Emma Phillips & Caroline Phillips, Hank Anderson & Connor
Series: Guardian Angel [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632919
Kudos: 18





	You Are My Mission

Guardian Angel

_“When you’d cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears_

_When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years,_

_But you still have_

_All of me”_

_Evanescence – My immortal_

Emma sliced another bit of the evidently unhealthy piece of pink cake onto her plate. Her head moved to the rhythm of the music coming from the radio. It was simple, rhythmic and perfectly fitting to the scene. After a while Connor learned to link images with sounds. Emma had explained it in her own way, years ago.

_‘The music always means something different. I can, like, twist the words and sometimes it is about a character from one book, and then from a character from another book, and then… maybe somebody in real life’, the little girl said, with wide gestures. She felt free in the presence of the android who visited her frequently. They learned a lot from each other._

_‘Have you never felt that? Like, the music tells you a story, about yourself.’_

_A glitch in his memory. Indeed, once his thoughts wandered to places they shouldn’t have. Amanda had realised this and quickly Connor had found himself in the Zen Garden, having to explain himself. It had been scary. Now he knew that it was also a part of him becoming free. He heard the lyrics and thought of himself._

_‘Yes, I think I know what that’s like.’_

_‘What’s wrong, Connor?’_

_She must have noticed his LED changing colour._

_‘It is a little bit of an unsettling memory. I already told you about the lady in my mind I regularly spoke with. I told her everything I did, all that I have discovered. For a while.’_

_‘Yes?’ Emma blinked with big green eyes, curious of the story._

_‘Once I was listening to a song – Numb by Linkin Park, a band in the 2000s – and I started thinking things I should not have. I… identified with the song. I tried to think how deviants think. I guess it turned out better than expected.’ A small smile appeared on his face. Emma chuckled awkwardly. Her stomach always turned into a small, hurtful ball when Connor talked about Amanda. How horrible it could have been to have such a supervisor in your head! You cannot even think freely._

_Well, that’s what being an android used to be about…_

_‘But she is not there with you anymore.’_

_‘No, she isn’t.’ Luckily, Connor thought._

_‘Okay, then, I’m gonna show you some music.’ She clicked a few times and pushed some buttons on the keyboard, enthusiasm on her face. The sound of violin filled the air, then other instruments joined. Slow build-up. Uplifting. Like a movie soundtrack._

_‘When I hear this, I look at the sky and I can almost see the dragons. If you just listen to it, can you not see them too? Swirling in the air…’_

_Connor smiled. Emma was positively lost. He tried to focus and he did indeed find the image she mentioned. He glanced at the screen and checked the title of the song._

_‘And how do you know you don’t imagine this only because the song is called “Dance with the Dragons?”_

_Emma looked back, stern face, arms braced. ‘You sound like a psychologist.’_

_‘I am pretty sure I have sounded like a psychologist many times in the past. Although I would not say that I even understand human emotions perfectly, I am always trying to learn and help you.’_

_He was aware that was not what she meant. But that did not matter. He stared at Emma with a confident smile, knowing she would not be angry, even though her facial expression signalled otherwise._

_He did know something about emotions after all._

And he knew something about music as well. It had power and it could evoke images. Atmospheres. This music was perfect for a day of rest, sunshine and food rich in carbohydrates. Connor restrained himself from mentioning it to the young lady that the cake she was eating might not be the most beneficial for her biology. He knew she would eat it anyway. All this stubbornness in humans… But then again, what did he know of food? Maybe it really was hard to resist.

They were sitting on the terrace of a restaurant. Emma liked to be out here, in the sun. She always had to adjust her hair because the wind blew it into her face, she repeated the motion of putting it back behind her ears again and again.

‘Meh, I wish I could just pull my hair back into my skin…’ Emma sighed. Connor was sure it was an intentional comment on her being a non-android.

‘Wishing for something else that you already have usually leads to unhappiness. I know you can find content in what you already have, Emma.’

‘Did that Markus teach you these wise things?’

Emma said strange things lately… It sounded as if she wanted to hurt him, but she said it so matter-of-factly. Human emotions were complicated, even after all these years.

Emma saw Connor’s blue LED go round and round in circles, and she blushed, immediately regretting what she said.

‘Sorry, I’m just… having a bad day, I think.’

Emma felt a little bad every time she was eating and all she could do was watch Connor sit by her side, patiently, examining everything around her. He could not eat, of course. He did not want to. But it still felt bad. She was a human, she could only think in a human way and she always imagined that a human is sitting beside her.

But that was not the reason why she felt anxious.

Connor could have felt bad about this sentence as all he’d been doing the day was to help Emma relax, and she’d seemed like she was doing fine. But he decided not to be hurt and opt for an open approach.

‘What’s bothering you?’

She might not answer.

He would not push her.

But she answered, after stuffing three more bites of cake into her mouth and carefully swallowing them, then shrugging.

‘A boy at the school. I wanted to talk to him today, but I couldn’t.’

Complicated emotions, here we go. Emma was turning fifteen three months later. At this age it was typical to be fairly interested in the other gender.

He had no protocol for these kinds of things, but he learned a little about relationships in the last few years. A teenage girl was not easy to handle though. Caroline always told him he could always say that he does not have time for these meetings anymore. But he did. And he enjoyed them quite a bit. He started caring for this human being. That was nothing new. Although the day had still not come when Gavin would understand that it is normal for androids and humans to have a normal conversation. Connor had become immune to Gavin’s comments, though. The detective did not seem to run out of them.

‘Does this make it a bad day?’

‘I don’t know. I just keep thinking about it. About him. It’s stupid. I don’t really know what he is like. He might be an idiot. But for some reason I just keep looking at him at every class. Jesus, sorry to bother you with this. I’m just gonna finish my meal and we can go.’

Emma’s stress level was radically higher than a few minutes before. She felt uncomfortable here.

‘Take all the time you need.’

‘I don’t need time!’, she snapped. She breathed in and out. She did not know why she was feeling nervous. She could not control herself. She hated it.

It was all she wanted. A person she could share everything with. Her childhood dream. She thought it would be Daniel, but then again, she had no idea of many things in life then.

And she did not want to remember him. But she could not help it.

‘Sorry, I did not want to sound rude. I just don’t know what the hell to do. In class if two people start talking, the next day the whole class talks about their marriage. They are stupid. That place should be about studying, not defeating social anxiety.’

‘You are right. But schools are also a place where you learn to accommodate to social relations.’

‘Well, it is a bad place for that.’

‘Have you ever talked to this person?’

‘”Person”, Connor. It’s called a boy.’ She hated herself when she said that, but it felt satisfying at the same time.

‘Have you ever talked to him?’

‘No. Well. When we were together in groups at class. About class stuff.’

‘Would you like to?’

‘Obviously, that’s what I am saying.’

‘Does he take part in any extracurricular activities?’

Emma could not help but smile when he was talking like this.

‘No. But he plays the guitar. He will have a concert soon.’

‘Don’t you think it’s an excellent opportunity to start a friendly relationship?’

‘People don’t become your friends just because you go where they are doing something.’

_Besides, I don’t want a FRIENDLY… ah, never mind. I have no idea what I want._

‘Well, nope’, Connor said, thinking about his early days when he kept following Hank everywhere he went. ‘It is not enough, but it can be a good start.’

Emma sighed, relieved. She _did_ want to go to that concert. She just needed some support, someone to tell her it was a good idea.

‘He did not even invite me’, she shrugged reluctantly, but a small smile was forming on the corner of her mouth. She just wanted to provoke more convincing on Connor’s part.

‘Do you need tickets to go to that concert?’, Connor asked, slightly raising an eyebrow. Emma eyed him suspiciously.

‘Was that irony, or you really think that a school boy with a band of three people would ask for a ticket at his concert?’

‘It was irony’, Connor assured her.

‘Good. You are doing it good.’ Emma grinned, and winked. She learned that wink from him. She was happier now.

‘You are doing it good too’, Connor said with another wink, smiling.

She finished the cake hurriedly. Much calmer than before.

A creepy little _ironic_ voice inside him said: _Mission successful._

***

‘What’s this guy like again?’, Hank asked.

’15 years old, his name is Tom, he has light brown hair and blue eyes, height approximately 173 cm.’

‘I meant what’s he like on the inside, Connor. By the way, how the hell do you know so damned much? I thought you never went to her school, did you see him somewhere else?’

‘No, she just told me that Tom was slightly taller than her. I figured that when she means slightly-‘

‘Okay, okay, I get it. So, is he like the usual school jerk who every girl falls for, a silent type who hides in the corner reading books, a silly one that everyone makes jokes about, or what?’

‘I would not know, Hank. But as I know Emma, he might be rather the second type.’

‘So he probably won’t try anything bad at that concert.’

‘Anything bad?’ Connor raised his eyebrows.

‘Don’t be so naïve, Connor, do you even know what 15-year-old boys with a band are like?’

Connor’s LED flickered, processing. ‘As I did not know you when you were 15, I do not.’

Hank was putting some papers into order on his desk, but now his hands stopped. He looked up. ‘I will just say I did not hear that one.’ He tried to hide his grin. ‘Anyway, what’s the harm in escorting her?’

‘Her classmates and other kids from the school might find my presence disturbing.’

‘Then let her decide. If she wants you to go with her, go, if not, then let her be. She is not your daughter after all.’

‘Nevertheless, I wish to ensure her safety. I will do so. Thank you, Hank.’

‘Anytime, son.’

Connor smiled. He liked being called that, although literally the term was untrue.

Gavin entered the room, with his usual vicious grin, sipping his coffee.

‘How’s the childcare project going on?’

‘Gavin, would you put these damn documents in order for me? I am afraid I have left something out in the car, thank you’, Hank said, leaving the mess of papers and turned around, heading for the entrance.

Gavin growled at Connor, just because he was there, and because Hank liked him, and because Connor was always so calm and cool-headed. After all these years this did not change. Connor smiled, this time, honestly, then left for the Phillips’ house.

***

‘You could… like… come with me there. And then leave. Just because… I don’t know how they would look at me if… like… I’m not ashamed of you or anything. Tom would probably be fine, but the other kids, I don’t know.’

‘I completely understand, Emma. No need to worry. I can drive you there and drop you a few streets earlier.’

His tolerance was magnificent. Emma hugged him, gratefully. She felt like she was returning to life, even though she was scared. She would not drink, she decided. She would not go with that kind of flow. She’d be careful, but maybe… maybe she’d get a chance to talk to Tom. And then who knows, what would happen?

***

Emma did get a chance to talk to Tom. Tom turned out to be a fine specimen of the human race. Emma, who never really had true friends in school before, was shining with happiness that finally someone listened to her. Her complicated human emotions made her think at one moment that everything she was doing was bad, that she should stop and go in a completely different direction. The next moment she thought the exact opposite. She was lost in that labyrinth and Connor tried to be the only solid point that she could always go back to. She would cry in his arms without even realizing why she was crying, wanting to bury herself under a table out of shame, but she could just not bring herself to leaving someone that was so patient with her.

For years her impulses made her question everything, but nevertheless she felt like she achieved most of the things she wanted. She went to college, she always found a job that would satisfy her curiosity and help her make a decent living. Her relationship with Tom seemed to stand on solid ground. They spent many years together. They found a new home. They decided to get married.

Only a few people threw weird glances at Connor at the wedding. Connor watched with a content smile how Caroline escorted the now beautiful young woman down the aisle. Hairdressers hid numerous braids, pearls and patterns in Emma’s natural brown hair. She fought hard not to mess up her makeup with tears. She was enthusiastic, exhausted and really happy. Of course, weddings were said to be one of the greatest purposes in a young person’s life. Connor searched for the statistics of weddings ending in divorces in the last few years. At the next moment he regretted it. He should have just enjoyed the ceremony.

Emma appeared, stumbling in her high heels, trying to hold up her ornamentally decorated white dress from touching the floor. The constant smile on her face seemed to have vanished for a second as he glanced at Connor’s LED. It was yellow.

‘You still haven’t taken that stuff out?’, she chuckled. ‘Thank you for being here. You look so fine, look at you!’

His elegant clothes reminded himself of his non-deviant times, but he did not mind wearing these.

She hugged him. ‘You still owe me a dance.’

She seemed so happy. Connor thought that it would all be fine now.

***

Connor was content of what he’d done. But he could not help feeling a little pain about the fact that they had less and less contact. Sometimes Emma called him and they talked for a few minutes, hours. Sometimes they’d run into each other in the streets, in a park, Tom, Emma and their young son, Charlie in Emma’s arms. Charlie had her father’s eyes, but his face altogether would rather resemble her mother’s, with soft cheekbones and full lips. Connor put together an image of how Charlie would look like as a grown man.

When they met, Tom was always distant to him. His stress level increased and he became stiff whenever Emma smiled at Connor. Tom was polite, but he talked to the android as little as possible. Connor noticed Tom’s frustrated gestures when his son came closer to him and wanted to interact with him.

The years came and went, and Emma talked to him less and less. Even though Emma was just one human being, there were many others, as well as many androids, who were a part of Connor’s life, it was painful, losing this connection.

***

‘I don’t know, Hank. Maybe I have done or said something that was a fault and I haven’t realised it at that time.’

‘Relationships between people, they change quickly, Connor. She has found her new life, she has a job, a kid, she probably does not even have many free hours a day.’

Hank did not know what to say to him. He was sure of the reason why the girl didn’t talk to him, but how could he tell? Should he have just said that probably Emma’s husband is an asshole who still hates androids, or just hates Connor because he wants the girl all to himself? And that probably she will never ever talk to Connor normally, that the talks would be restricted to these polite, compulsory calls, chitchat, nothing really important? That relationships sometimes just – die? No, he could not tell it to Connor, he could not break his hope, so he had to keep the pain to himself.

After a while Connor would realise anyway.

***

Emma did not know what went wrong. But after a while what she had was not enough. She could not hate Tom, which made it even more difficult. It took her long months to figure out she could not keep on going like this, as many nights the pain inside her would paint her mood black and the whole future seemed like a blurry, chaotic mess. Coldness. Gestures, repeated, without emotions. Him touching her body was not enough. His words did not really express interest about what she did. He did not see her, did not see into her. There was a little boy that was born from the two of them and Tom did not seem to realise what a miracle it was. Emma’s disappointment grew and grew, and by the time she decided that even despite Charlie would probably be very angry and sad about it, they could not continue living together.

She hugged the little boy, who could not speak yet. ‘I am sorry.’

The divorce was a horrible process.

She felt like drowning. She drowned herself in her work, walking the streets of Detroit like a zombie. The grey sky, the blue sky, the sunny sky, it did not matter to her. She walked with black umbrellas in the rain like everyone else. Then she went home to her son whom she still loved, even though she hated herself. She could not leave Charlie alone. For him she was still the world, and that brought her back from the worst darkness, most of the time.

Caroline would visit her sometimes. But Emma did not like to face her. She felt horrible as if her marriage was a failure. She opted for not living with that man. Caroline had lost her husband in a… in a murder. It felt unfair towards her, so Emma did not like seeing her either. She closed herself in and interacted with people other than her child as little as possible.

***

Until one time she saw him again.

She did not go near the police department. She did not want to bother him with her pathetic human problems, so she avoided that place, she knew if Connor saw her face, he’d immediately see all the darkness inside her. And he’d wait patiently until her tears come back again, which she did not want.

It did not take long for Connor to prioritize. He turned around, his new destination: the girl, who was now a woman, the sad one he last saw so happy.

She was right, Connor did indeed wait patiently. He asked her where she lived now, told her she could contact him anytime, if she felt the need for it. Connor made free time for himself to meet Emma. She was strange. The same person he used to know, but with a different body and so many negative memories.

 _I saw you grow up_ , he thought, watching her figure in a park with so many trees and bushes and flowers you could think you were in a forest, not in a city.

She talked and talked and talked, face buried in her hands, just like many-many years ago. She has changed so much. Connor did not. She admired his face like she’d done before, secretly, and then had hid the memories inside the dark cells of her soul. But now all those cells were cracked open. Shattering.

_Crazy woman. Stop thinking about that._

They were in her house, her new house, a relatively small flat, painfully resembling the one she had been living at the age of 12. Where they moved after Daniel’s accident. Or incident. She had no idea what to call it anymore.

She was making dinner, of course, only for herself, and that made her so nervous that she almost dropped a plate and a glass. She would have been so grateful if Connor had a stomach now. What could she do with him now? She couldn’t tell him to sit, it id not matter if he was sitting or not, he did

If she could, that would have made it so much easier. If Connor weren’t just standing there, watching her work, patiently.

Connor noticed her anxiety and began to look around the house, spectacularly examining the furniture and objects. Plush figures. Pictures of Charlie. Books. Toys. Colourful blankets. Flowers. The place was not very neat, Emma was not expecting guests. He did not care about that, of course.

Emma told him to talk about what he’d been doing while she was eating. Connor started to discuss some cases, going into details, watching with every second as the girl who was now a woman slowly calmed down, listening to him speak, watching him, examining him as if he was something weird.

His voice still soothed her. She hadn’t felt like that in years.

She finished the meal, struggling with confusion. Charlie was sleeping inside his bed, still. She was happy the boy was asleep. Her thoughts could wander off this way. Her memories came back, because Connor was the same. Just the same. Decades had gone by and he was the exact same. Only he wore different clothes. Emma still found it incredible. Like time just stopped, like she went back twenty years in time.

She had wanted to, in the last years, to go back in time. Really badly.

‘I missed you’, she said. She did not know why it felt so sad. _Because it was my fault_ , she realised. ‘I… I am sorry that I did not talk to you. I know I was stupid. I wanted Tom to be happy with me, and-‘

‘And he did not like me. I’m used to it by now, Emma’, Connor smiled honestly, but Emma kept looking at her feet, just like all those years before.

‘You should be mad at me. You should hate me’, she said guiltily.

‘Why should I?’

It was an excellent question. Excellent as in very hard to explain, but very easy to understand if you were a human. If you weren’t, though…

_Wait. Does he mean he did not mind that we didn’t talk?... Maybe it really was not so important for him. Then I am just making a fool of myself._

She started to panic because of the immense shame she felt.

‘B-because I… I was rude to you and I avoided you.’ She did not lose hope. She might have just misunderstood.

‘I am not mad at you. It did indeed cause me some distress that our… connection… seemed to be broken.’ _Oh thank God._ ‘But I understand why you did that. I am sorry for what happened.’

Just what he’d said to Caroline. He could not make her pain go away so easily, but it was different with Emma. For some reason Connor was not just sorry that Emma had left Tom. He was grateful.

That person probably wasn’t the most fitting for Emma to spend her life with.

Emma was still in distress though. She expressed signals that meant she was holding something back.

Then Charlie started crying.

_Oh my sweet god. Not now._

Emma closed her eyes, breathed in, breathed out. Her face went all red. ‘I am sorry, I probably need a few minutes to…’

‘Go on, take all the time you need. I’ll be waiting here.’

‘You don’t have to wait here, Connor, you must have things to do. Go back to where you belong.’

Emma stopped, with shaking hands. What the hell was she talking about? Why did she have to say it out loud? _Damn it._

‘Don’t mind me, I’m just babbling around.’

She hastily walked out of the room, turning to caring mother mode, trying to forget her previous words. She wished she could just shut up. But Connor’s presence made her all too honest. Many teachers said at school that you could very easily get too attached to technology.

Well, he wasn’t just a damned piece of technology and she told her stupid brain to go to hell. Connor was her friend. He was the only one she could turn to. He was her art inspiration. He was her living inspiration. He was a totally patient, extremely tolerant guardian angel – who wasn’t human. And she’d thought she needed a human. How stupid she had been.

Her memory and reflexes somehow helped her to perform her motherly duties. Guiltily, she hugged the now clean baby to her chest and closed her eyes, enjoying the warm little body’s presence next to her own. _My little one. I am so irresponsible. What would you think of me if you knew what I was thinking?_

She put Charlie to bed again, she kissed both his cheeks and for some reason she did not have to force a smile. But she was too ashamed to look into his eyes for longer. Emma was not surprised when she saw the android watching her, when she turned around.

‘I apologise.’

‘No need.’ She laughed. For some reason she did not feel ashamed. Connor has seen her soul when she was in the darkest period, no reason to be ashamed now.

‘Emma, I need to know what makes you so unsettled.’

 _Oh damn._ She breathed heavily. Why did he always try to help? Why could he just… not care? That way she could have become angry and yell at him and send him away, and be left alone with her thoughts. Or better, she’d not have such crazy thoughts…

_You. You make me so unsettled._

She walked past him, out of the room. Connor followed. Soon the little boy in his cradle would be sleeping again, soundly. Connor glanced back over his shoulder for a while to check the small figure.

He was walking in a human tragedy. Again. Maybe it was his mission. Who knew what I was? Even humans did not know. They just opted for something, if they were given a chance. If they weren’t instructed by other humans. Deviants were lost. It was difficult to always find a new purpose you can live for. Emma was one of them.

She leant against the kitchen cupboard, her face a strange mix of sadness and hope.

‘Raising a child must be a great task, but you know you can do it, Emma. You love him and you are strong, just like your mother.’

‘I am stupid.’

‘Why would you say that?’

Emma’s silence was familiar. Connor waited patiently, just like back then. Tom would have repeated the question a thousand times by this time, Emma knew. Tom would have gestured angrily, and probably walked out of the room to do his job. They’d never see each other again, only at night. They would lie down on the bed, one of them facing in one direction, the other – the other direction. Not touching. Charlie would probably start to cry and Tom would sigh heavily.

But he was not here now.

‘I am so happy you are here.’

Connor failed to understand how the facial expression of the exact opposite of happiness could be present then…

‘I am happy to be here as well. I missed you too, Emma.’ He walked closer, tentatively, to, if given the chance, initiate some kind of physical contact. That brought humans comfort, and that brought _him_ comfort as well. He still remembered how it felt when Hank Anderson hugged him in front of the diner called Chicken Feed. Connor knew what it meant. It meant a lot, coming from Hank, who had called him all kinds of derogatory names and for a long while resisted the thought that Connor could be liked.

But he managed to change Hank’s point of view.

Maybe a hug would do Emma some good. Touch was extremely important for humans, three hugs per day was said to be needed for healthy mental development. Emma could have hugged Charlie, but Charlie was a child who depended on her. Where did Emma get support from?

Tears rolled down Emma’s face.

‘These are happy tears, Connor’, she pointed out. ‘Happy-confused tears.’ Connor still pulled her closer to a hug, slowly and softly. He already knew them. Even Hank cried such tears sometimes, although he would certainly never admit it.

You cannot forget what you have seen, though.

She laced her hands around his neck, strongly and desperately. ‘Well, happy-confused-sad tears, maybe.’

Her sobs made her voice a little hard to understand. She rested her head on his shoulder, not minding her shame anymore. Connor would not care. She could not escape it.

‘I am here for you, Emma.’

‘Damn, you really act and sound more human than many humans I have met.’

‘Does it bother you?’

‘Well. Yes.’

‘I can sound more like a machine’, he offered, mocking. He was not serious. He would not want that. She would not want that. _I could do that though. If that’s what she really needs._

‘You can?’

‘Correct’, he said in his old robotic tone, meanwhile stroking her hair. Well, he did _talk_ like one, but at the same time he did not waste time not comforting her.

‘Stop, Connor.’

‘Alright.’

He did not say any more. And his hands also stopped moving.

She started laughing.

‘Damn, you haven’t changed at all.’

‘That is not entirely true. I have acquired much information that changed me since we last met’, he corrected.

She shook her head in his arms, unbelieving.

‘Oh, I can believe that. Do you know all the languages in the world? All the idioms? Well, you probably knew that already when you were created.’

Emma could not think of other things an android could do, her mind was too tired for that and the fact that she was being hugged made it hard to think of Connor as a machine.

‘Emma, it seems you are mocking me the way you did before. Should I say you haven’t changed either?’

‘Well, considering I am still a crybaby, yes, you could say that. The only thing that’s changed is that I have a son and that I am supposed to be an adult. But I messed up my life, so-‘

‘A house, a car, a child, a creative job, it does not seem like a messed up life for me.’

_Hmm. Those eyes, looking at me like that – it does indeed not seem like a messed up life._

She smiled and Connor was confused about what he saw in her eyes. Adoration. So much adoration.

‘You are so beautiful’, she confessed, feeling something break in her. He was. No matter that he was _designed_ by someone else, based on who knows what kind of standards, he was beautiful. Genes had nothing to do with it. Time had nothing to do with it. Time had left him the same as he was. The same light skin, the same coffee brown hair, the same warm eyes. The same tall, supportive figure, yet the same naïve look, no matter how experienced he was, he did not ever lose that look.

She tried to make herself forget. Because he was not one of them.

‘Thank you, Emma… Although I am not certain I should be happy, since you say it so sadly.’

This time tears came with the laughter. Connor softly stroked them away. The affection in her eyes. Had he not seen it before?

‘You helped me so much. Even when I was a pathetic emotional failure, like I am now.’

‘Don’t be sad because I helped you. I did it because I felt it was the right thing to do and I continue to do it now.’

‘Connor, you… you’ve seen a lot of humans in the past few years, right?’ Emma’s heart was beating so fast. She did not believe she was doing this.

‘Yes?’ It sounded like a prologue. But to what?

‘You’ve seen them interact, seen them angry, sad, crying…’

‘Yes.’

‘You know, the thing is, today is my happiest day in the last few years. Like, you came here and you really seem to understand me. Which I am very grateful for. But you don’t have any obligation towards me. It is already wonderful what you did. You were very kind to me, and I don’t know how your deviancy works but if you feel any need to come and comfort me, then-‘

‘It is not my program telling me to do it. Don’t worry. I don’t know what’s telling me. It is the same for a while now.’

Emma considered that for a moment. ‘That really sounds like us.’

‘So are you sending me away or are you trying to say something else?’

Her hands felt hot, sweating. Her soul wanting to escape its prison, her burning body.

‘Yeah, I’m trying to say…’ _Trying. Trying and failing. And failing. And failing. Well, just say it. What’s the worst that can happen? Say it._ ‘I’m trying to say that sometimes I am very sorry that you are not a human. I mean, you are perfect like this. But I wish you could… I wish you could stay here. I love you very much.’

She blinked. It was over. The words have been said and the world did not collapse. She was completely surprised how easy it was, in the end, to say them. Because they were the truth, which she was not denying anymore. She felt so light.

Love. Said to be the strongest expression of affection.

So it was not a mistake for him to think that her eyes were telling something very important. But Emma still seemed to consider it a problem. Her cortisol level was far too high, her face expressed uncertainty and she seemed still so lost.

‘I love you too, Emma.’ He softly caressed her cheek, reassuringly, looking for her eyes. Of cou

She looked up, unbelieving. _You said what? How can it be so easy for you to say this? Do you even know what that means?_

His eyes, clear as an ocean on a sunny day, doubtless, honest. Was… was she really overcomplicating things? Could this be possible? Could she love an android? Could she love him, whom she loved for years? Since the time they formed their own little world in the room that slowly turned from her black sorrow to a place of colourful fantasy? She’d thought of him as so many things. A father figure. A brother she never had. A friend. A guardian angel. Could it really happen? Was it not written somewhere that this was forbidden? She was a mother and she had a small boy to care for.

Life could always surprise her.

Her mind quickly raced forwards.

Artificial fingers, stroking her hair behind her ears. Goosebumps all over her skin. It had been so long since her skin had been touched like that. Never by him. Though she had wanted to. The thoughts were told to remain in silence, but indeed, she had wanted that.

‘You have nothing to be afraid of.’

She could listen to his voice all day.

_But yeah, I do. I have lots of things to be afraid of._

‘If you wish for me to stay with you, than I shall.’

‘You cannot say that. Y-you have your own life-‘

‘I thought you wanted me to stay.’

‘Of course I do…’

‘Then why do you seem to say the opposite?’

‘Because I am… I don’t know, it can be a human thing.’ Emma really did not understand it either, it was just all too easy blaming it all on her being a human. She kept looking down, her thoughts racing. It could be just a dream. She could wake up the next moment again, alone.

‘That would make sense.’ Connor smiled and touched her chin, softly applying pressure to make her face him again.

‘I-I just cannot believe-‘

No, it was not a dream. She never felt anything this intense in her dreams.

‘I assure you, I am a person of free will and the only thing telling me to do what I am doing is myself. So if you have any more doubts, Emma, they can leave.’

_You hear it, doubts? Go away. Quickly._

If only it were that easy.

‘But you will… Connor, I will… I will grow old and… I only have a few decades, left, I mean…’ It felt surreal to talk about this but she had to tell him just what this meant… She wanted him in his life but she could not hurt him this way.

‘You have at least seven decades left.’

‘But… you understand what I mean.’

‘I do. And until that time I can make you happy, can I not?’

_No, this is impossible. Such an entity cannot exist. I cannot be this lucky, no._

She sobbed into his chest. He stroked her hair. It was so familiar. She’d needed this.

After a few minutes her tears stopped. Whole body shaking, radiating heat, she looked up again into those brown eyes and her face slowly approached Connor’s. When their lips touched, she knew there would be no turning back. Her subconscious had been waiting for this moment for years now. She entered a new world when it became reality. She stepped out of the categories that formed a shell around her, she was not a single mother anymore, she was not a divorced woman, she was not crazy. She was free and she got what she wanted.

Connor knew very well what this action meant to humans and not for the first time he desired he had the senses that Emma had. He quickly learned the movement of her lips and resonated with her. She pulled him closer so intensely, sensing his acceptance, that Connor was really scared he would disappoint her. He was no human after all. He could be close to one in soul, but her body also desired him.

But adapting was one if his features, so he could come up with methods.

It was strange for his tongue to interact with another one. It was not used to being touched, but it was a refreshing sensation anyways. It was _a sensation_ , of which he did not have many.

It was satisfying enough to sense how everything in Emma changed. Her breathing was fast, as well as her heartbeat and her body temperature rose. Her cheeks were red, at least when Connor’s eyes were open and he could see them. He often closed his eyes just like she did. It felt helpless, but he trusted her, he had nothing to be afraid of now. She moaned loudly when Connor kissed her neck, she wanted to cover her mouth with her hands, ashamed, but she couldn’t really control her actions as her legs could barely keep her.

When she finally regained control over herself, she pushed her shame aside and grabbed Connor’s collar, pushing him to the nearest wall. She silenced her questions and doubts. She had no idea what he felt but if she started speaking, this would have stopped and she did not want that. She also had no idea how they would continue, but if he’d just keep kissing her like that, she felt it would be enough.

It would be more than enough.

It was probably the longest kiss of her life. But she hoped it would not be the last.

Connor thought about the objects in the house, every flat surface in every room.

‘Would you like to go somewhere more comfortable?’, he asked in a low and soft voice which made Emma burn and melt in certain places.

‘You mean you noticed I can’t stand on my feet?’

‘No, I’m just asking if you would go somewhere comfortable.’

_Goddamn._

‘Y-Yes…’

‘Classical comfortable?’

‘What… what do you mean classical…’

‘Your bedroom, or somewhere else?’

 _Oh my gosh._ She could not help but laugh a little. ‘You can surprise me.’ She tried to wink. She did not know how she managed at that state. She didn’t care either, she could not keep the grin off her face. _I am so stereotypical._ She did not care about that either.

Connor lifted her up so suddenly that she had to suppress a scream. She grabbed his shoulders. Her thighs around his waist. He did not take her far, only to the kitchen table, and the next moment she was sitting on it.

The exact place she was eating her spaghetti not an hour ago.

‘Well. I _am_ surprised.’

She felt the lack of touch too unbearable now.

‘Come here now.’

Connor _could_ do that. Or…

‘Are you comfortable with getting out of your clothes?’

She froze first. She was not comfortable with the way that she looked. But then she remembered how those kisses made her forget everything like that.

‘If you make me comfortable.’

She was beginning to get used to giving such instructions.

Like, she would do the same with a human. Totally. Giving instructions was not a machine thing, especially not in these cases. There was something eternally satisfying in him doing everything she wanted, whether she said so or not.

Connor took her clothes off after one another, slowly, planting kisses to every fragment of her skin. The way her oxytocin hormone level rose and from her sounds and squirms, he could make a delicate pattern of her body’s erogenous zones. Then the only thing he had to do was choose the right time and pause of stimulation. She was so grateful. He tried to insure her to concentrate on what she feels. After a while she did not mind how surreal it all was, she only focused on how damned sexy it was, her, lying on a kitchen table as the sun was going down, finally covering them in complete darkness. Her, being allowed to touch him, kiss him, brush her fingers through his hair. She never thought that it would actually happen-- Touching him seemed like touching a sacred relic. But his skin felt so real. His hair felt so real. Only when her fingers trailer across his LED was she reminded that he was not a human. And because of how professional he was.

She did not even try to resist the waves of pleasure approaching her. She was freed, relieved, so much relieved that tears appeared in her face as she arched her back and bit her lips to suppress her sounds. She was lost in between worlds for a few seconds. Minutes. She could still not believe what happened. Then she got the strength from somewhere to stagger to her feet and pull him to a hug again. She needed close touch. She needed to be thankful. She needed to hide.

She redefined the world around her. She was in a house. A kitchen. She was a mother. She felt wonderful. Her dream might have come true. This was real. This was really happening. She had Connor. And he said he’d be here forever.

‘I take it you are satisfied with my performance.’

‘That… that is a huge understatement’, she gasped, still fighting to regain her breath. She did not know what to say, she still felt as if all these were happening to somebody else. She did not know what to say so she just kissed him, again and again. He sent her to sleep because she was really exhausted, even though she wanted to protest. She could not just close her eyes now and fall into oblivion after all this. She wanted to stay and replay everything.

‘There will be opportunities to do that. I won’t go anywhere, Emma’, Connor said with a reassuring smile and a kiss on her forehead. A protective gesture.

 _“I won’t go anywhere.”_ The most calming sentence in the world.

‘Charlie will probably wake up-‘

‘I can take care of him.’

‘You- you can?’

‘Yeah. I know how to care for people.’

Emma did not know that applied to babies. She felt like a really bad mother, but she really felt she needed a good sleep now. She hadn’t gotten it for ages.

‘I did not know that.’ She laughed nervously. ‘Wait, did you just say “yeah”?’

Connor blinked. ‘Yeah’, he answered, the word sounding more like a question.

‘That’s very… colloquial.’

Mocking. Again. Emma finally felt her old self returning. It was like magic. She tried to forget how surreal it all was. It was her life, her reality.

‘Using colloquial language is useful for integration.’ Connor returned to his explaining voice, his speech forming the same regular rhythms as if he was reading out from a handbook. Just like all those years ago. Emma knew he did that on purpose. ‘This way humans won’t… freak out.’

That sounded horribly incorrect, those words with that tone. She laughed.

‘So you would… you really would take care of him?’ Emma looked up at him, grateful, tired.

‘Of course. It is no problem for me. I am sure I don’t have to remind you that I still don’t need sleep.’

‘I envy you so much.’

She did not want to leave him. But as she closed her eyes, she felt her mind going blank. Then she felt two familiar hands touching her shoulders, slowly pushing her to her pillow.

She blushed.

Connor pushing her onto a bed… after what had happened… just did not feel like sleeping.

She did not regard herself as an especially insatiable woman but…

_Oh damn._

Connor noticed her confusion and smiled.

_Stop it._

She could not speak.

She numbly placed her fingers on Connor’s hands.

Speechlessness. Dilated pupils. Increased heartbeat. Connor knew very well what these meant. And how ashamed she was. _Adorable_ , he thought, a word that evidently came with the Deviant dictionary. He obediently sat down next to Emma, who quickly pulled him closer and he found himself trapped in her arms and between her legs again.

Emma was grateful that androids did not need sleep. It made her feel a bit less selfish. She felt like she would melt, and it was totally not a possibility for her to move. She felt warm, safe, loved like never before. She did not need to go anywhere. Not knowing how, Emma managed to form words.

‘Connor… will you… stay with me till I fall asleep?’

‘Of course, Emma.’

Connor put his arms around her.

That calmed her. Thus, everything was all right. She closed her eyes and snuggled closer. She was a basic instinctive being now, happy for the rest she got, happy for being cared for. It would be alright. She would not have to wake up in the middle of the night, Connor will take care of her son. There was not a person on Earth whom she’d trust more. It would all be perfect.

She fell into a warm, comfortable black ocean, no longer being aware of herself.

Emma could not quite capture what it was. An unsettling feeling, a collection of voices, as if she were in a market, a very crowded market and she could not get where she wanted to. Scared. Trapped. The safety she felt, gone.

Her hands looked for the solid body she remembered next to her. A name appeared in her mind. _Tom?_ No. It was not supposed to be him. He was long gone. And it was good riddance.

Her head on his chest. Her eyes closed, her ears close to his heart, she always liked to listen to his heartbeat…

…there was none. There was no heartbeat.

He had not been breathing for minutes now, she remembered. Yet she kept hugging him. How could she not notice…?!

She opened her eyes. He was cold. So cold. A cold, dead person hugging her. She wanted to get out of her skin.

She checked his hand, his neck, she found no pulse. She could not accept it. She repeated the word “no”, but she could not hear her own voice. She wanted to hear it, she wanted to hear her desperate screams, she wanted others to hear it. _Help. Someone help._

Alone. Cold. Scared. Alone. There is no one alive. He is dead.

She kept screaming his name, holding his hand, waiting for the blood to start circulating again, for him to come back to life.

Then she heard her own name.

His voice.

He is alive?

She opened her eyes. Again. It was dark and Connor’s worried voice kept repeating her name.

‘Oh my god, you’re…’

She took a deep breath. Connor held her close.

‘Whatever you saw, it wasn’t real. And it won’t be. I’m here, I’ll protect you.’

‘You are alive.’ She had to say it. She was so grateful to have gotten out of there. Stupid dreams. Why did her mind show her images of dead people who she loved? Why now? She was still too tired to feel shame. And shaking. She needed that hug to keep herself together.

‘You were dead, or I thought… you… I thought you should have had a heartbeat and… my stupid mind just… you didn’t move and I thought…’

He kept stroking her hair. It always calmed her down. She suddenly felt the urge to look for his LED. A golden circle. Damn, would she always have to look for this thing to make sure he is alive? She hated her brain. She felt incompatible. Yet she felt calm when she touched the surface of the strange thing with her fingers.

It had some good parts that Connor still had it.

Flashes appeared in her mind, images of Daniel, blue spots on his body from the bullet wounds, her father’s tormented body, all cold, Connor pointing a gun at them, of course it was pointed at Daniel but Emma could only see a figure with a gun while there were hundreds of meters below her…

She was sobbing. Again. When would this stop? Would it ever? _I’m sorry. I don’t want this. Please don’t leave. Don’t ever leave me._

‘I won’t, Emma. I won’t leave you.’

_Did I say that out loud?_

She must have.

She did not know how many minutes passed while Connor held her close, stroking her hair and wiping away her tears. _You are so good to me, I don’t know if I deserve it._ The feeling was familiar.

Then the little boy in the other room cried. Emma’s muscles tensed immediately, her instincts telling her to move.

‘Just stay here, Emma, I’ll bring him here.’

She did not need to be told twice. ‘Alright…’

She quickly combed her hair with her fingers. _I am a mess._

Connor walked to Charlie’s cradle and noted that the tiny human being probably was in need of touch. He did not seem to be hungry. But sometimes children sensed other people’s distress around them. Or they just did not like loud voices, and the last minutes contained some of that.

Connor carefully wrapped Charlie in his arms. It proved more challenging than it seemed at first glance. He was not used to such fragile humans. Extremely carefully he walked back to Emma’s bedroom. He believed that was the moment when her tears again transformed to “happy tears”. The flow of them became rapid again, but she was laughing at the same time.

The image of Connor holding her baby was just too much. Emma still thought she would wake up one moment and realise it was a dream. But that just did not happen. She stood up and hugged both of them, not taking the child into her arms, he looked just perfect at his current place.

Charlie opened his large blue eyes to Connor and said something that was not yet a word.

‘Charlie, your mom needs sleep. Do you know how we could help her?’

‘Come here, you boys.’

She knew she would fall asleep quietly with the two most important men in her life next to her.


End file.
